Monday, September 28, 2009

I have a dream

You know what is the most difficult task I had as a kid? Ma-papa ka naam roshan karna. It is not an easy task, especially when you hail from a middle class family in India. And ma-papa na naam roshan karna by default means to do well in studies. Think like Einstien, work like an IT engineer and get ranks like Puloma and Ila etc, no pressure otherwise! We all have to go through it. When it was my turn, I was more like a tubelight with black ends and with a major starter problem. I barely managed to make their names barely visible, forget doing the roshan thing.

Mom-dad never complained. They had accepted their fate and were pretty OK with it. My teachers never knew my name except when the question was who did the last prank on poor XYZ or who stole that stupid test tube from the Chemistry lab. Padhai maine ki nahi kabhi, I always had something better to do. Sleeping, eating, recording music tapes and just about general time passing were always way more important. The most important thing in this whole situation is that, never for a day I had any guilt of not studying. I used to see the helpless expressions on my parents face whenever any exam result would come and I would have just a prayer for them.

But I guess things do catch up. Lately, I have been getting this recurrent dream where I am failing an examination. More specifically, it is a Hindi exam which somehow is very critical. A point to be noted here is that I studied Hindi only till 8th standard and it had no bearing on my career except the fact that I did worse in the subject I chose instead. When I dream that dream, I know that if I do not clear it, something real bad would happen, I just don’t seem to remember what. I would remember that I am way past 8th standard and I should not really be writing that exam, but I still have to take it. It is getting more vivid and I have even started sweating now, in the dream of course! And then I get up suddenly and then remind myself where I am and what I actually do in the weekdays and that this Hindi exam really is not for real and that I have actually completed my academic education and I don’t have to go back to school. And then I check the time and it always is quarter to 5. Spooky, I say!

Later in the day I find the whole thing very funny. Out of sheer curiosity, I did some research on what this dream might actually mean. Some suggest that I might be having a very low self esteem. LOL, not at all! I don’t have esteem; I have absolute pride in what I am! With all humility and modesty, I know I am the best – super duper bumper best. People around me agree that I am the best in what I do. And you know what I do. Others suggest that I might have a lot of pending work at work which is causing me all worked up in my dreams. But this is nothing new. I always have pending work. I mean that is how I work – aaj kare so kaal kar, kaal kare so parso, itni jaldi kya hai bhaiya jab jeena hai barso. This is my work motto. Nothing has changed at my work place or my relations. I am lagging behind everything – business as usual. Some also suggested that I might be having very high expectations from myself. Really? The biggest expectation I have from myself is to get up at 8:30 AM. Is that too much? Am I being too harsh on myself? :P

So I am curious to know what might be causing this dream. If you know me, any pointers to my situation are welcome. If you don’t know me, then too you can comment on my situation because, you know, I love comments!