Tuesday, May 18, 2010

An evening

It was a long day at work. My body felt a little tired and the heart felt a little sad. I don't know why I was physically exhausted or what was the reason of my sadness. I did not want to think either because my mind was already cluttered with thoughts of the past. I went for a walk - a quiet walk by the river side. Only when you come close to the river you realize that water of the river isn't stagnant. It doesn't get contaminated by itself over a period of time. It is the strong current which flows day in and day out, taking everything along with it, dissolving all signs of existence with it. There is a lone duck swimming in the river, against the current. On the outside it looks calm and collected, but it sure is pedaling like hell just so that it can move a little bit upstream. It sees its own reflection in the water and wonders who is looking through the silver mirror. I could have been that duck. I think I am that lone duck.

I do not know where I belong to. Am I supposed to swim in the river? Am I supposed to be on this bank or am I supposed to be on the other side of the river? Why does it look like it would be a better life on the other side. Clueless and curious as I am, I decide to walk through the bridge. I see a young man walking down the same bridge with a big bag in his hand. He is coming from the other side and I wonder what makes him cross the bridge. Once I reach the other end, I realize that I had no business here. I do not belong to this bank. And I make the journey back to where I came from. And for some reason I think that I could have been the young man with the big bag. I think I am the young man with the big bag. 

This time the road to nowhere looks so familiar. I walk through the gardens and cross the trees. There is a small lonely house that looks completely out of place. The hustle bustle of the small town seem to have somehow missed ruining the serenity of this house. There are bigger monuments around this humble dwelling and I wonder who could be living there. It was very easy to even ignore its presence. As I am about to move further, I see someone coming out of the door. He looks contended. I could have been that house which could even be a home. I think I am that house - a stranger's home. 

I move down further and see the downtown. I cannot place the spices but they smell too familiar. They take me back to a time where I did not have to worry about feeding myself. But then, I wanted to get away to earn my own meals. And now when the world thinks I am capable enough, I want to go back to the old times when I did not have to worry about anything. There always was a familiar face and a pair of hands which made sure that I never slept hungry. I could have been hungry today just like those old days. I think I am hungry, just like those good old days. 

And then I hear the sounds of music at a distance. The sounds are inviting and I cannot but try to find where they are coming from. I see a small group of musicians playing their own instruments. They do not seem to know what the next note is supposed to be but by some miracle they are in perfect symphony. I see the young man I saw at the bridge with a cello. He looks at me too and we share a smile - a smile of understanding. And as I sit and close my eyes, I wonder who am I. I could have been the notes from this symphony. I think I am the music from this symphony. 

I have been a loner all my life. I think I will always be one. My life has not been about how hard I could swim or the journeys I could make from one shore to another. My life also has not been about being self sufficient or being someone's love. I don't think I have been any of it or that I would ever be. I am the music, the one single piece of melody coming out of all the instruments there are. I am the music which could not play at any other rhythm nor the music that could ever stagnate. I am the music whose notes flow higher and higher and higher..Until they can no longer be heard. 

I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. She said it was about time. It was time to go home. 

I nodded in agreement. 


Kavita said...

And here, I feel it my duty to ask, "Who are you?"
"A loner" you say...
Well then, who are you? Yea, thats right.. I will keep asking you this... cuz some day I hope to find an answer in there myself...
Oops... Too filmy huh ?? :) Uhmm... think about it ;-)

Anusha said...

@ Kavita

You got me!! Who could ask this question to me but you! After all the very same question made our bond! :-)

I will keep looking for answers..And I know when I get clueless, you would ask the question again! :-)

Varsha said...

I witnessed these events with u, but I never knew they made a melody :) beautiful.. :)

Kavita said...

@Anusha: Oh I will!! And if ever you need a ear (or eyes in our case), and haven't any around just then, you know where to find me... And if GTalk's no good, there's apna old school cell phone ! :) But the question shall sure be asked!

Anusha said...

@ Varsha

Melody or not, they sure made a post.. :P

Thanks for tapping.. :D

@ Kavita

Thanks for being there.. :-)

Kavita said...

@Anusha: Grrrr... (thats for the thanks)!!! And then, another grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...thats cuz in all the visualization I did from reading your post, I forgot to tell you how extremely beautiful it was!!! Made me walk the walks, swim the waters, home the house, and live those very thoughts myself!

main_sachchu_nadan said...

Woww .. I must say it was your best post till now. Your imagination and writing skills are superb :-). By the way, who was tapping ur shoulder in the end? Couldn't understand tht part.

Random Reflections said...

loner - nothing wrong. lonely - how can u with Guruji in your life ? Personal experience - some seva will help :-) JGD

Anusha said...

@ Kavita

Yeah! I was wondering why you missed saying that.. :P :D

Thanks so much..You write such beautiful stuff yourself, so when you say you liked it, it sure means a lot to me... :-)

@ Sachin

Thanks very much dost! Nothing was imaginary in this post..I just took a walk by the river side last night..There really was a duck swimming, there was a young man with cello in the big bag, the small house by the corner and the food in downtown..There also was a group of musicians playing in the evening..

I think I would agree that this was the best I ever wrote..It was liberating.. :-)

BTW, the gentle tap was from my friend...She said it was time to go home.. :-)

@ RandomReflections

loner - I am and not upset at all with it...The acceptance of it has brought the best smile I can smile..

Guruji's presence has made all the difference..Really.. :-)

Amit said...

a loner who has been the company when noone around.....a single note simphony which soothes every peace of ear that hear it.....

Anonymous said...

superb post! such vivid writing, i felt i was there experiencing all that. agar aur kuch nahin hua, for back up know that you can become a really good writer ;)

Anusha said...

@ Amit ji

I need to get a little more abstract to fully appreciate your comment.. :-) Koi baat nahi let's taket hat offline..

@ Anonymous

Thanks for the encouraging words dear Anonymous.. :-)

I will write when I really have a story to tell.. :-)

Redfrog said...

great post!

Anusha said...

@ Redfrog

Thank you! :-)

Shweta said...

Beautifull!!! I have been feeling something similar for quite sumtime, life has moved so fast in the past few years that I feel lost at times, dont know what to look ahead for, where to go from here....I wish I cud go back to those days when some great souls were always there to show the path, those days where happiness came effortlessly, where the heart was as light as a feather and mind as free as a bird.

Anusha said...

@ Shweta


it is all about making the journey..life is good.. :-)

Anonymous said...

Anusha,liked reading your blog..ur thoughts..just wanted to say all d best and pray dat the next couple of days bring good news, love,life and luck in ur life...all d v best!

Anusha said...

@ Anonymous

Thank you for visiting and commenting..

It was just one of those days..I am absolutely fine now! Wait for my next post!! :P

Having said that, some good news, a little love, loads of luck will be welcomed! The ingredients of life are important.. :-)

Thanks for your wishes.. :-)

Uday said...

Good going....... a very good blog out of a evening casual walk.Potential script writer ( a serious contender for a documentary)

Bhargavi said...

Anusha.. very nice post! I love how you consciously or unconsciously practiced a magical art... of empathy... of becoming one with sumthing other than urself... tht is truly magical!

Very deep post... keep up the gud work!

Anusha said...

@ Uday

Thanks very much!

@ Bhargavi

Thank you very much. I am happy you saw it that way..

Your comment made me feel very good.. :-)